By Dr. Tracy Scott

For the past 20+ years, I have been providing Christian counseling to broken homes, individuals, relationships and marriages. Every week, I am confronted with sad stories of marriages ending in divorce or marriages that the wives are victims of domestic violence. The purpose of this article is to share what I have learned about elements of a successful marriage. I truly believe that most teaching concerning marriage is helpful but inadequate and falls short of teaching what is necessary to have a successful marriage. In this spirit, I offer two recommendations that are crucial to having a successful marriage with which no committed Christian would find fault.

Christ-Centered Definition of Success
Ask most people to define success and undoubtly you will hear living the American Dream incapsulated within their definition. Primarily due to the pressures of lustful desires created by our soicety, for most people, having lots of money, things, a big house or houses and no bills equals success (American Dream). Many believe that with hard work, reliability, and inventiveness that their chase of the American Dream can be realized and thus they will have success.

But for most marriages that define success based on these ingrediants, their spouses end up married to their job instead of their mate. This tends to be the case despite their willingless to work hard, despite their talents, skills and education. Their pursuit of the American Dream often ends up a nightmare. For minority marriages, this is especially true when despite attending the right school and obtaining the right grades, in large part due to racism and oppression, living the American Dream seems more of a fantasy than a reality.

Many times in relationships that define success as living the American Dream end up with one spouse so much in love with work, that they are insensitive, unromatic, non-communicative but married to a lonely, vunerable romantic spouse who has severe doubts about his/her worth as a human being.

One of the major reasons that many marriages end in divorce is the cost, toll, pressure, and stress associated with chasing the American Dream. By defining success (marriage or personal), either the chase or the accomplishment of this goal leads to catostropic stress and unhappiness. Many couples who end up in crisis, counseling or divorce court describe a marriage of depression, decreased self-esteem, bitterness, anger, health challenges and decompensation in sexual intimacy.

In other words, defining success and chasing the American Dream encourages you to focus more on making your wallet and house fatter than understanding and meeting the needs of your spouse.
Remember, when your marriage is blessed, you have much for which to be thankful. But chasing and living the American Dream has its dangers. By defining success in this way, you can encourage changes for the worse in one’s behavior and values.

Isaiah tried to appeal to the wealthy people of ancient Israel to what was happening as a result of chasing the American Dream (5:8-10). They were accumulating houses, working long hours, focused on money and had no bills to pay, but the cost was lost of relationships, family and ethical integrity. Defining success as living American Dream can and often will dull even the most spiritually sensitive marriage. See Matt. 13:22; 1Cor. 10:12-13 and 1Pet. 1:13; 5:8.  Above all things, rejoice in every moment that God has given you together. A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. Proverbs 15:17

Renewing Your Mind

I am convinced that every problem we have in marriage, begins as a problems with our thoughts and mind. Romans 12:22 states, “Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. Paul spoke these words almost 2000 years ago to a people who struggled in every way to stuff like, Sex in the City, The L Word, Soap Operas, Get Rich Schemes, Misguided Teaching and the Tabloids. The Roman people were exposed to a self-centered, God-forsaking pattern of marital living that in no way would allow a marriage to flourish. Remember, where your thoughts go, what you watch and listen to, your marriage will tag along.

Paul was trying to tell the people that if they wanted to change things, get out of this hell hole and add some ump to their marriage, the answer is clear, crystal. There is only one way to do it… by renewing your mind.

Everyday, I talk to people who have trouble with their mind. It’s no secret that God gave you emotions, thoughts and a mind so that you can enjoy His beauty all the more. It’s like whip cream on hot apple pie. Having emotions of joy and love allows you to see what it feels like to be happy in life. In other words, it helps you to understand Him better.

But because of sin, we also can have negative emotions, and thoughts. These negative emotions and thoughts will bring on heartache and despair often before you are about to get your self into deep marital trouble. For example, you were waiting for your husband to come home with the car so that you could go to the hair dresser. The longer he takes, the longer you wait, and thus the more your negative thoughts and emotions take over. Some marriages describe this as hating. These are the warning signs that you’re about to go postal. But God has equipped you so that you have small eruptions before you go ballistic. And if you are smart and wise, you will learn how to keep these small eruptions from becoming firestorms. Remember, where your emotions go, your marriage will follow. It starts with your thought life.

In closing, I ask “Have you broken your promise with God in your marriage? It’s not too late! God stands ready and waiting to hear from you. Only He has the power to restore marriages, when the willing parties are ready to receive Christ into their lives and hearts and souls. When Christ is the center of your home, your true love, devotion and obedience to Him, your family bond will be sealed forever. We need to take responsibility for the promises we made to God right now! People, chasing the American Dream of prosperous living has no solutions, only God has the answer!

Remember:
• Don’t nag, plead, scold, complain or accuse your spouse.
Saying “Give me this, give me that” is not the way to get anymore attention.

• Timing
Select a time to talk to your spouse when he/she is more responsive. Not the first 60 minutes when they arrive home.

• Setting
If, possible, go somewhere over night, for a weekend or for a burger. Go some place where you can be alone. The further away you are from the source of your contention, the better.

• Manner
It’s important to converse with your spouse without using personal attacks. Know your triggers and what buttons not to push with your spouse. Do not have a conversation if the stress level is high. You must learn how to prepare to talk.

God’s blessing upon each of your marriages and within your families as you learn to honor your special “troth” with God and your lifetime mate!!!